Sunday, 24 March 2013

First Blog post!

After months of reading other people's blogs I have finally decided to start my own. A place where I can express myself and share my views and experiences. Being pretty much housebound is very isolating and has made me feel distanced from the "real world". Being online has helped take away that feeling to a certain extent. It's given me a way to feel connected to the "real world" again which I haven't felt in a long time. Five years to be exact. That's how long I have been ill. Actually that's not true, I have been ill much longer than that but did not know it. How can you be ill and not know it you ask? Very easily I reply, if said illness sneaks up on you slowly and gradually takes things away from you without you really noticing that you have lost anything or changed the way you live your life. I had carefully crafted my life around my illness without even realising. Of course I knew I was exhausted most of the time and could sleep at the drop of a hat, and that this had come on after I contracted glandular fever in my teens, but I never considered myself as ill. Actually I did my best to cover up my tiredness in case people thought I was lazy, I thought I was lazy. So I tried to work even harder to make up for my "laziness". Going to college, university, then working. I didn't even think about it at the time but the jobs I had were both part-time, enabling me to cope with my sleep patterns. To my family my sleeping a lot was a long standing family joke, but nothing to be concerned about. In my family you get on with things, you cope.
And I was coping.
Then suddenly I became much worse. I had a viral infection  which along with a year of doing too much turned into Fibromyalgia. I have been in constant pain for 5 years, but I know how much worse it could be from that first night. It was agony. Pure agony. My poor partner was terrified. When he phoned NHS Direct the woman advised him to give me a paracetamol!!! I would still feel that pain without the pain medication I am on. As it is the pain is bearable, mostly. But it has taken my carefully constructed life and turned it into one where I am not in control. I cannot do what I want when I want. I have to rely on others for most things. At this moment I have been in bed for nearly two weeks, unable to get up without help, unable to clean myself or get myself something to eat. The basic things we take for granted, until we can't do them. I have lost my independence. I haven't gone anywhere on my own for 5 years! I am very grateful and lucky that I have family and friends to help me do things, so many people have not. I could have it much worse. But I could also have it a lot better, and sometimes its hard to accept that is not going to happen. Not any time soon, perhaps not ever. I try not to think about that. That I could be in pain for the rest of my life.
And so I cope.
Because that's what I have to do to keep going. And I try to make my life as enjoyable as possible. Try to do what I can, and not regret too much what I can't. So this is my life and hopefully I can share some of it with you; good, bad and ugly. I promise not to moan too much, and to talk about knitting, crochet and yarn a lot!
I learnt to crochet as a teenager when I was first ill. My grandmother taught me and I have loved doing it ever since. But I couldn't get on with knitting. Never managed to pick it up, though I had several goes at it. I tried again after I became ill with Fibro and suddenly took to it like a duck to water. It has now overtaken crochet as my main hobby, and has even led me to trying out spinning my own yarn on a drop spindle. Though this is a new venture and I am still learning. I think I can see a spinning wheel in my future!

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